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Do You Set Sex Goals?
“Surviving meant being born over and over.” Erica Jong
Jack and Jill are not happy with their sex life. After an initial year of hot, wild, bunny-like mayhem, more and more their sex turned into a dull routine. To add insult to injury, having kids made their sex erratic to the point of non-existent. They have long since learned that sex does not magically happen. Even still, they are stymied by a lack of time and energy and have thus spiraled into apathy. Their heart breaking reality is they love each other and want to keep an intimate connection but do not know how.
In this universal relationship Catch-22, it seems superficially like Jack and Jill have a one-way ticket to lifelong sexual misery. Interestingly, they are simply at a crucial sexual juncture and, consciously or unconsciously, must make a tough life choice.
The first most common and by far easiest choice is to deny and throw all their energy into a distraction such as their job, kids, volunteering, computer or TV. Their distraction becomes the “responsible” excuse for why they are not working on their sex life. In this scenario, both feel and act like victims—not the best way to revive a flagging sex life.
The second least common and much harder choice is to take a frank inventory of their sex life and, with unshakeable resolve, move forward to change what is not working.
How can you take this high road? Oddly enough, by pulling a chapter out of business acumen and creating sex goals. A sex goal is exactly as it sounds: a long term objective you want to have happen within your sex life.
A good starting place is to craft a specific vision of what you want the end result to be. What would the perfect sex life look like for you? Or how would you describe a perfect sexual encounter? The more detailed you are, the easier it will be to paint a memorable picture in your head—sometimes the only thing that keeps a couple hanging in when times get tough.
Be aware that a gigantic mistake would be to create a self-defeating uber-goal like, “We will have sex two times per week.” There is too much unresolved sex-baggage that needs to be worked on before you can comfortably go from no sex to anticipating, wanting and having sex twice a week. Instead, having sex twice a week might become your end vision.
Therefore, mini–sex goals are a more realistic approach. Turning long ingrained relationship ruts around has to be done with small, incremental baby steps that are easy to digest, take on, show progress and do not require major life upheavals.
An example of a mini–sex goal would be making a commitment every day to show some type of non-sexual, affectionate contact. This can look like a lingering hug, kiss on the cheek, or bum squeeze. This mini–sex goal is easy, doable and cements a solid foundation to tackle bigger sexual challenges.
Only when you have moved from having to consciously execute your mini–sex goal to making it an unconscious habit, can you then move on to your next mini-sex goal.
At this point you might already be discouraged thinking, “Gee whiz, no instant gratification?” That is correct. Creating new healthy sex habits that will last a lifetime neither come easy nor fast because they can only grow organically. You will see a positive change—just not on your timeline.
Remember to get buy-in from your partner. Your sex goal is not something to be done in secret. Healthy communication, negotiation and mutual respect need to take place if your end vision is to come to happy fruition.
Next is the most exciting and also most discouraging part of the equation: putting your mini–sex goal into action. Initially the honeymoon stage appears, where “goal-haze” gives you an artificial sense of “We’ve got this thing under control.” You and your partner are focused, enthusiastic and excited about the new idea.
However, after the haze wears off and unresolved sticky issues start popping up, there is a huge propensity to avoid and go back to your old sex routine—thus plunging you into a deeper level of helplessness.
Knowing this, it is good idea to do progress check-ins from time to time. Your agreement might be to sit down every three months and reflect upon how much growth (if any) has occurred. Ask each other whether or not you put in a good effort. Did you allow each other to slide back into your old sex habits? What went well? How can you keep up the momentum? Do everything to keep the lines of communication flowing.Ultimately the choices you make will be reflected in the quality of relationship you experience. Sex goals mean work, but they give a beacon of hope where there was once nothing.
This article was published on Tuesday 11 December, 2007.
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