Am I Gay?

I remember a man in one of my grad school sexuality classes asking about something almost exactly the same as you have here. He was in tears as years of questioning his sexuality came to the surface. He had never told anyone in his life, including his wife, about how he and a few other adolescent males had all masturbated together to see who could orgasm the fastest. In what was a very serious moment for this man, not five seconds had passed before another guy in the class let out a nearly dismissive, "Pshh. Only 4 of you? My whole gym class did it!" That lighter, truthful moment opened floodgates of same-sex stories from guys in the class. Stories ranged from "I did things because I always wondered if others were shaped like mine" to "I did it because it made us laugh." Every guy telling such a story identified himself as straight, not gay or bisexual. The man still had tears rolling down his cheeks, but this time they were from a combination of laughter and relief from his conflict.

Let me further illustrate my point. An act is just an act; what you do doesn't always define who you are sexually. Gideon touched on this idea of what does and what doesn't make a man gay. I always tell the story of what might be called "situational homosexual acts." Let's say there is a man who is a true Kinsey 0: he's 100% straight in behavior, history, and fantasy. He's 20 years old but for whatever reason goes to prison for 25 years. 25 years is a long time to have no sexual outlets beyond masturbation, so rather than be basically asexual for 2 and a half decades, he decides to let an inmate give him oral sex once every couple of weeks. He fantasizes about an old girlfriend while it's happening. When his sentence is up, he returns back to his life before prison where he dates exclusively women, eventually marrying one. He never has any fantasy, thought, or physical contact with a man after he's out of prison. Is he gay? He'd tell you he isn't, and he'd be right.

Now, this "situational homosexual act" idea is not the same thing as a guy who has same-sex thoughts, fantasies, and behavior but just doesn't want to face fact that he may be gay. Denial is very different.

But in your case, Tony, enjoy your wife, enjoy your life, and certainly rest assured you're not alone in your experiences.