Desperately Keeping up with Sexually "Normal"

“Motherhood and sex have a lot in common. When they’re great, they’re really great. When they’re monotonous, or downright disagreeable, you can be sure that most people are not going to admit to it.” Valerie Davis Raskin, Great Sex for Moms

Sometimes I’m disappointed how young women take for granted their right to orgasm. It was a hard-won battle by feminists in the 1970s (feminism today being a four letter word).

That is, until I realized this generation—if up for the task—has an equally challenging battle to fight: to finally draw a line in the sand and stop society’s maddening ideal of being “normal”. The sooner women stop striving for this over-the-top perfection, the quicker we can enjoy the sex that goes along with our orgasm.

Before 1960 it was assumed women did not enjoy sex. Sex was simply a marital duty, like cleaning the house and taking care of the kids. Thankfully, the 1970s were a turning point where women asserted that they too had sexual needs.

The 1980s saw women putting on androgynous suits with football player shoulder pads and going out to stake a claim in the professional world. They straddled the line between living up to June Cleaver’s version of perfect motherhood and thumbing their noses at society, saying, “I’ll show the world I can be a career gal.”

Not surprisingly, a woman’s new agenda came at the cost of her sexuality. With only 24 hours in a day, full-time work and full-time motherhood usually meant zero time for pleasure.

Twenty-five years later, women are at last climbing out of that dark super-woman abyss. Women’s magazines and newspapers have been claiming for years that women cannot be everything to everyone. In fact, the new millennium philosophy is: make yourself a priority, relax and find balance.

In following these instructions, some women are reporting back to me that (gasp) they are actually enjoying having sex with their partners again. They finally realized, after pushing themselves to the brink over and over again, it left no want or desire for sexual intimacy.

And now, just as women are dismantling these whacked-out, spreading-myself-too-thin 1980s paradigms, comes another blow.

Please introduce the new, sexy, chic and always-on-top-of-her-game celebrity mom. Apparently, it’s the new in-thing to be a mom. Forget the oh-so-in-fashion tattoos of the 90s; today, giving birth to another human is the en-vogue decision you will carry with you for the rest of your life.

And now today’s young woman has yet another layer to add to her burgeoning list of what is expected of an average gal: successful, beautiful, perfect body, smart, talented, sexual and to be a Desperate Housewives–like sexy mother—a “yummy mummy”.

Tell me, how’s a gal supposed to keep up?

One day I secretly spied on a young mom standing in a grocery line. She picked up a glossy magazine with the cover showing celebrity moms looking fabulous. I wondered how that smartly dressed lady with big black rings under her hollow eyes felt compared to “fabulous Julia Roberts” or “divine Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher” as her two young children clung to her legs.

Intellectually, that professional mom probably knew Julia and Teri had a team of nannies, masseurs, hairdressers, make-up people and wardrobe stylists to create this fantasy persona. Emotionally, though—because emotion wins over logic every single time—I wondered how that mother felt not being able to keep up.

What did it do to her self-esteem? Did it make her want to trade her stylish suit for a sexy negligee? Or did it make her want to bury her head in the sand and hope it all went away soon? Most importantly, I wondered what effect these new sexy-mom expectations will have on her long-term sexual relationship twenty years from now.

I know a plethora of 50-somethings who would advise this young mom that it’s not worth it. From experience, they understand when women are so busy being busy keeping up with Desperate Housewives “normal”, something has to give. I would wager every cent I possess and bet that, in trying to keep up with “normal”, a woman will always come out the desperate loser.

Yes, women can and do orgasm, but they find little satisfaction in sex because they are not getting or giving it the time it needs to be enjoyable.

It is my hope that this next generation of women will put a stop to this crazy nonsense. If and when they do, sex can then become what it was meant to be: a time for emotional connection with your partner. Because right now, sex for the super-busy woman is just one more thing that sits on her to-do list, that makes her feel guilty to boot.

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This article was published on Tuesday 11 December, 2007.