Trina's Point

A very attractive, outgoing, intelligent woman confided the New York dating scene dragged her down. “Too many game players,” she sighed, “And it always seemed like everyone but me knew the rules.”

I asked her to explain, “It’s a million different innuendos. After the date, if he likes me he can’t call for at least four days. If he doesn’t like me, he says he does and then emails me a week later that he’s super busy with work…indefinitely. All the while on our date, I could see his brain calculating how long it will take to get into my pants. It was like Sex in the City on steroids.”

Brian, the drama of dating is the fodder for countless female coffee conversations, “What do you think he meant when he said this?” Dissecting, philosophizing, making sense of the games the opposite sex plays. I’ve lost count on the number of books written on the topic.

Men are taught to play hard to get in order for them to seem more attractive, while women are conditioned to be a challenge. It all boils down to who has control.

The result? Too many people get addicted to the sexual frisson. It sets up an unhealthy precedent going into a longer term relationship. Why? The minutia of everyday life gets boring really quick. People reinitiate the excitement of turbulent ups and downs to make their relationship more interesting. And the loser ends up being their sex.

Come here, go away. Make-up sex. Come here, go away. Make-up sex. Come here, go away. Make-up sex. Then when the super tough challenges of a long-term relationship are thrown at the game players, they are ill-equipped to take it on. Hence the need for serial monogamy, “I’m no longer comfortable in this relationship, so I’m afraid I must move on.”

The amount of games a person plays Brian directly aligns with their self-esteem. The drama on their outside is simply a reflection of the drama that is taking place inside their head.

Inevitably their control walls are constantly up and sex remains on a superficial level. Game playing can only lead them down a rocky garden path. It’s better to refocus their energy to augmenting their self esteem and thus creating a rock-solid relationship.

Brian's Counterpoint

Yeah, yeah, Trina. We all know people play psychological mind games with each other at the beginning of a relationship ultimately because of their self-esteem. However, people play games with a potential partner for countless other reasons including, fear of rejection, control, attention, and to keep from being vulnerable.

I’m not sure which gender plays games more often, but if the root is self-esteem as you suggest Trina, I would guess it’s you women. Most of you gals may prefer to be chased and wooed, but it immediately sets the playing field. Being most of us men are fairly COMPETITIVE, the game is on.

Men in the dating game have been conditioned to be aloof too. And, when a male puts his heart on the line too quick, you gals label him as a needy, pathetic, loser who doesn’t deserve your love. Women say they want a caring, sensitive man, but the moment he’s vulnerable you’ll knock him on his butt.

Trina, I agree that the dating scene is riddled with mind games, but what terrifies me is these Russian roulette power struggles never allow a relationship to flourish.

Men often complain of their female partners using nonsensical mind games that confuse the heck out of them. You pretty well have to spell it out for us men to get it.

I know plenty of couples who use power and control over one another to “enhance” their sex life. Roller coaster relationships may heat up the bedroom after the fight-flight instinct kicks in, but the downs trump the highs.

I’m not saying that men don’t play games, plenty of them do. But, you girls definitely know how to manoeuvre this playing field. I hear from countless men about their bedroom playmate using or withholding sex from them. (Un)locking Miss Kitty is just plain mean.

The bottom line is not to play mind games, whether you’re in the dating world or with a partner. If you’re in a relationship with mind games, break the cycle. Identify your own personal cues that draw you into mind games such as; insecurities, competition, being defensive, or making sarcastic comments.

If you think only your partner plays these games, GET REAL. This is a game and thus it takes two to play. If you feel your partner is playing you, call them on it. Let them know you don’t like being played!

And remember, we relate best to our partner when we don’t play games. Be real, be honest, and communicate your feelings openly.