“My experience regarding boredom in the bedroom is entirely consistent with a couples who avoid change, safe risk, and adventure both emotionally and sexually. Sexual familiarity and caution in a long term relationship can be very damaging. Something new, playful, or a bit “edgy” can bring a relationship to life and allow it to deepen and grow. Respect all boundaries!!!!” Tom King

Sexual boredom is an epidemic in North America. Couples come to me all the time, unhappy with their sex life. Their symptoms usually include: they get along well, they love each other, they want to make things work; however, their sex life has become routine.

There are many reasons for sexual boredom. For busy couples sexual boredom can manifest itself in hurried sex. Hurry up and get your clothes off. Hurry up and get aroused. Hurry up and orgasm. Just hurry up and get it over with so I can get some blessed sleep.

Sex thereby becomes not a means of creating an intimate bond, but an effective way to avoid the guilt of not having sex on a regular basis—or else an effective sleeping aid.

Granted, sometimes a good old orgasm is the best thing to bring a couple closer together. Most of the time, though, what they need is to slow down, take a step back and simply touch one another.

And so my suggestion to these sexually bored couples is to try new techniques that include spending a whole lot more time touching.

Inevitably, they cry, “But we do cuddle and hug each other every day.” They then explain their ritual of hugging each other every morning or cuddling at night in front of a television program. Cuddling and hugging are essential and wonderful touching habits that help to keep a couple close.

However, touching another human’s body for the purpose of soothing pleasure is a completely different dynamic. Pleasurable touch is healing, nurturing and it allows us to be closer to our significant other. Our bodies need touch, want touch and crave touch.

Regrettably, pleasurable touch is something that is taken for granted. No touch can have us become numb from our necks down, distant from our spouse, and sexually unfulfilled.

So why then, in our lovemaking regime, do many of us make a point of only touching the “hot spots” (genitals and breasts)?

Well, much of our “sex training” happened as teenagers or young adults. (In other terms, how we learned to get to first, second and third base.) If you think about it, there really is no other time in a person’s life when you can fumble around and experiment with sexual technique.

It is therefore unfortunate that, in our sex training, many of us never learned the finer points of touching. Sure, we became kissing fiends—that is, kissing until our mouths were swollen to puffy—but the whole point of teenage sex play was to touch the hot spots. The payoff for us was that it felt good, it was fun and it hopefully gave immediate gratification to our partner.

Now, as adults, we are reusing over and over again the only techniques we ever learned. As our repertoire is limited, our sex quickly can become dull and routine. Touch is an easy solution to this.

Some couples tell me between jobs, kids and housework, they just do not have the will or desire to try new things. I appreciate how stressed out and tired many couples are. Not ironically, caress and touch help sooth and heal an overwrought body and mind.

Realistically, foreplay with lots of touch may add an extra ten minutes onto your fifteen- to twenty-minute lovemaking session. It is an extra ten minutes well invested.

So what is the best place for a couple to start? First ask: do I make a conscious effort every day to touch my mate in a non-sexual way? Do I hug, cuddle and caress? It is amazing how long a couple can go without taking the time to softly touch each other.

Next ask: do I make an effort at least once every two months to have intimate times dedicated just to touch? Even in an overwhelmingly busy life, dedicating six times a year to simply touch one another is a doable proposition.

Prepare in advance for your pleasurable touching times by buying lotions, oils and foot cream. Take turns having one partner massage, caress and touch the other. When touching them, treat their entire body as if it is one big sex organ—because in fact it is.

Ask your partner where and how they want to be touched. If your partner does not know, start with one area like their arms, legs or back. Ask your partner if it feels nice. Get their feedback. Read massage books and experiment. Most importantly, let your imagination run free.

Finally, when sex has been initiated, be aware of your tendency to clutch and grab hot spots. Conscientiously make an effort to caress other body parts.

Always remember: touch is a much-needed commodity in any healthy sexual relationship. Give the gift of touch to yours.

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This article was published on Tuesday 11 December, 2007.