An Interview With A Masochist

Erotophilia.com: Let's start with the basics. John Money defined a masochist as "a paraphile fixated on the condition of being responsive to or dependent on being the recipient of punishment and humiliation in order to obtain erotic arousal and facilitate or achieve orgasm." As someone living the lifestyle, how do you define it?

Barry: I can't identify with John Money's statement and most of us in the scene are offended to have masochists referred to as a Paraphilia which is in the same category as Pedophiles. The behavior of Pedophiles is not between consenting adults while what we do is always between consenting adults. Safe, sane and consensual is the theme within the BDSM community.

Erotophilia.com: Fair enough. I certainly wasn't trying to parallel the two. Let's say I replaced the word "paraphile" with "a person" in that definition. How do you define it?

Barry: Well, yes, I do derive my most intense sexual pleasure from varying degrees of sensation and pain. Sometimes the sensation is incredibly intense and other times the pain is actually rather playful. As for humiliation, the very thought definitely sends electricity straight to my cock. Seriously, just to hear a woman say the word "humiliation" sends a surge to my loins [chuckles].

Erotophilia.com: Great. Along those lines of Money's definition, just how tied are your orgasms to your masochistic lifestyle?

Barry: I absolutely love vanilla sex. I love to fuck and suck as much as the next guy. But, but, but...the most intense sexual experience for me is when I am humiliated by beautiful women. I can't explain why, I just know it brings me intense fucking pleasure!

Erotophilia.com: No pun intended! Or was it? What have you observed the approximate gender ratio to be for masochistic individuals? More men than women? More women than men? About equal?

Barry: From what I have observed, it seems to be about equal. The difference is that it is more difficult for men to find partners and therefore we often tend to turn to a professional dominatrix.

Erotophilia.com: Alright. Most masochists and submissives don't really like to be completely out of control - they just want to be mistreated in a specific way. Can you elaborate on this "topping from the bottom" idea?

Barry: For the sake of clarity, we don't ever want to be "mistreated." What we want is to feel the exchange of power - the illusion of being out of control. I want my Mistress to make our BDSM scenes exciting by pushing my limits, while always keeping me safe from real harm. There is tremendous responsibility in being a top. My Mistress knows my fantasies, limits and dislikes; just as I know hers � yes, she has limits too. A limit for me is being paddled. I know it sounds crazy, but I just hate it. On the other hand, I love to receive whippings and canings that leave marks that last for weeks. In other words, some types of pain are different than other types of pain and each of us has our own preferences. I can't explain it, but just like some people like chocolate, others like vanilla.

Erotophilia.com: Ok, I was speaking of what people outside the scene would consider being mistreated, but I do see where you're coming from. Perhaps that was poorly-worded on my part.

Next question...in the world of tops and bottoms, what factors make for the best top, would you say?

Barry: Intelligence, creativity, compassion and a loving wickedness. The best top I have ever been with my wife and Mistress of 7 years. She gets off on giving pain and doling out the type of humiliation that I find to be sexually arousing. Half way through a scene, she is absolutely dripping.

Erotophilia.com: I love the fact that "compassion" is one of the words you used there.

As someone who defines a large part of their sexual self as a masochist, how do/did you inform new partners about your desires? Are/were you limited to dating other members of "the scene" or have you had success dating in general and then later explaining what turns you on the most?

Barry: I have been in a monogamous relationship with my Mistress since 1999, so fortunately I haven't had to deal with that for some time and don't anticipate needing to in the future. I am in love [smiling].

Erotophilia.com: That's great! I imagine that dating is difficult no matter what you're into!

Explain to us, using examples if you can, the range of activities that might go on in a masochist's lifestyle. Maybe describe the range of play from that which is rather light and theatrical to heavier, more physical things.

Barry: Like any good sexual relationship, it is completely dependent on our moods, how much time we have, etc. I am a corporate lawyer with a big firm. I am involved in really big transactions worth hundreds of millions of dollars each. Sometimes the pressure is indescribable. There is nothing better for me than to let the steam off after I close a big deal by relinquishing all power and control to my Mistress. The better I feel physically and emotionally, the more intensity I am after. If I am feeling a little out of balance, sometimes I would prefer something a little "lighter or theatrical" as you put it.

Erotophilia.com: Can you give us some examples?

Barry: Sure. [Long pause, thinking.] Okay, here are a few recent "scenes" ranging in order from lightest to heaviest.

Something light...It was a Tuesday and Mistress and I were both already stressed from our respective work. She called me and told me to stop and buy "a cute warm pink nightshirt, frilly pink panties and matching girlie socks." Making the purchases was humiliating and I had to admit to the sales girl that the purchases were for me. Driving home my mind drifted from the stresses of work to the evening ahead of us. When I got home, my Mistress had me get all dolled up complete with make-up and perfume. I cooked for her while she relaxed, watched television and read. We spent the remainder of the evening talking and laughing like girlfriends. She was flirtatious and teased me about how cute I looked. Before bed she read an erotic novel while I cleaned the kitchen. When it was time for bed, she simply pointed to her pussy and had me perform oral sex on her until she was satisfied.

After she came, she poured oil on her thigh and had me hump her leg. I begged to cum, but she refused. Finally when I could take no more, she told me that if I wanted to cum so bad, I could masturbate onto her feet if I agreed to eat my own cum just like women often have to do. I hesitantly accepted her offer, of course, and licked up every drop. It was no effort on her part and we had a nice evening. It broke the tension we were both feeling and recharged us for the remainder of the work week. Something in the middle...I had been working night and day on a really large transaction that finally closed at 11:59pm on the last day of the quarter which happened to fall on a Friday. My Mistress had been telling me that when I got this deal behind me, she had a surprise waiting for me. Now I am totally into being humiliated in front of young adult women - the younger and prettier the better, and my Mistress is happy to comply. As she says, "It's one of those things where there's no skin off my nose." We have several friends in the scene and my wife had arranged for this adorable lesbian couple we know to come over for dinner on Saturday night. I didn't know who was coming to dinner, but I spent the afternoon cleaning house � naked of course - and cooking. I was required to answer the door wearing nothing but an erection and my collar. The women entered giggling and complimented my Mistress on her "help." I spent the evening waiting on the three of them. I stood with my nose in the corner and my hands on my head while they dined on my gourmet cooking. After dinner, my Mistress scraped their scraps into a dog bowl and had me follow her on all fours to the garage where she fed me. All three women laughed at me as I looked down into the dog dish. It sounds crazy, but I was hard a rock. After our friends went home, my Mistress and I had incredibly hot passionate sex.

As for heavy pain, the best and most recent scene was a wicked caning. My Mistress is a sadist which, of course, makes the perfect partner for a masochist. We had a friend coming in from the west coast. Her name is "Sandy" and she is a gorgeous, quintessential surfer girl, 36 year-old RN. Sandy had apparently told my Mistress that she wanted to witness an extreme scene between us and my wife was all too happy to oblige. My Mistress told me in the middle of the week that she was feeling extremely sadistic and that I should start preparing mentally for what might be the most severe scene of my life. Sandy arrived on a Friday and the women went shopping and did all the usual things that girlfriends do. Saturday evening we went out to the best restaurant in the city. While the two women gabbed and laughed, dining on steak and lobster, I sat forbidden to speak, eating plain pasta that my wife had ordered for me. I can't tell you why, but this process of submission and humiliation made me as aroused as I could have possibly been. When we arrived home, I was stripped in front of our friend and taken to our spare bedroom/dungeon. Mistress placed me in our old-fashioned wooden stocks and whispered in my ear that this caning was for her pleasure, not mine, and that if I really loved her, I would take everything she had to give me in front of her friend. They left me to ponder my fate and prepare with candles burning and music beating. When they returned, Sandy was wearing her green nursing smocks complete with her name tag from the hospital. Mistress told me that I was to look into Sandy's eyes for strength and as a nurse, she would ensure my safety, but it was going to be very painful. It was the hardest caning I had ever taken, and as much as it hurt, I loved it. I wanted to give this gift of masochism to my wife and I still masturbate at the very thought of suffering so for the woman I love so much while proving my devotion to her in front of her friend.

Erotophilia.com: I think that really does illustrate what you were saying about how sometimes it's very intense and at other times it's quite playful. Ok, it seems that most people generally think of a sadistic or masochistic lifestyle as involving whips and chains, with pain being a big part of what transpires. Of course, that isn't always the biggest part of what happens. What do you think is the biggest misunderstanding about the masochistic lifestyle?

Barry: I think most people that are not in the scene confuse violence with consensual role play and consensual sensation play. Some people like to be scratched of bitten during love making. It's similar to that. It's just that our form of play tends to be more ritualized and more extreme. And quite frankly, for many of us, it is more intimate and more sacred. My wife and I are at our absolute closest when our Mistress/slave relationship is at its best.

Erotophilia.com: What question do you wish I had asked? Feel free to answer whatever you'd like; the floor is yours.

Barry: Fortunately, or unfortunately, yes the floor often is mine [laughs]. I'd love to, but I really have got to get back to work. I have a big deal we are closing tonight.

Erotophilia.com: Great, thanks for your time. And good luck!