Is It Really Mismatched Libidos?

You need to ask yourself: Is it really a matter of you and your partner having different libidos or is “mismatched libidos” a convenient diagnosis to a deeper unresolved relationship issue?

According to Michele Weiner Davis’ book The Sex Starved Marriage, one in every three married couples struggles amid problems associated with mismatched libidos. Obviously this statistic piqued my interest enough to want to write about it. Interestingly enough while doing my research, a common thread became apparent. That is most of the time mismatched libidos have little or nothing to do with sex.

I’ve put together a list of nine typical libido-dampeners. See if you fit into any of these categories.

Body issues

One person does not like their body and feels uncomfortable having their partner touch them—propelling them to avoid sex. Or on the other hand, one partner no longer finds the other desirable after a weight gain.

Prolonged unresolved issues or arguments

There is nothing that can throw a big wet blanket over a sizzling sex-drive faster than bottled up anger.

Power struggles that result in passive-aggressive tendencies

This is a big one. Money and sex can bring out raw feelings of lack of control that translate to unspoken power struggles. When one person feels they do not have any control or power they show their power in other ways.

For example, the more one lady gave into her husband’s demand for sex, the more intentionally messy she would make and leave their house.

Or the more one partner “bugged” the other to have sex, the more the other silently shut down, dug in their heels and refused—turning into the classic, “Not tonight honey I’ve got a headache.”

Or one partner declared they would be watching for how many times the other initiated sex. (Now there’s a big turn on. Not!)

Big points of unrest and change like receiving a promotion, having a baby, or moving

It makes sense with change comes disruption to what was once an orderly routine. People then struggle to make new habits around their sexual practices. Unfortunately because the disruption in the bedroom usually is not discussed the couple is thrown headfirst into disconnecting “mismatched libido” habits.

Boring sex (a.k.a. being stuck in a rut and not willing to try new things)

The repertoire of sexual tricks a person brings into a new relationship is usually pretty limited. Once that bag of tricks gets used up, the sex is like eating the same meal for supper every night. Doggie style again? Yawn. Great!?!?!?

The natural ebb and flow of life

In the wise words of John Grey’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, sometimes men and women go into caves or become rubber bands and just want some time alone. Over time it gets tricky and often discouraging to align two people’s ebbs and flows.

That is why long-term relationships relying solely on libido and spontaneous sex never work.

Different priorities

Day-to-day stresses of life means the focus and priority is taken off our significant other and put on other things. Then, once every couple of weeks the pair feebly tries to reconnect with fifteen minutes of rushed sex. Not surprisingly the sex becomes less and less appealing and the other priorities more and more fulfilling.

Birth Control Pill

Too many women lose their libido from being on the pill. In fact, a new study conducted found long-term use of the pill can negatively affects a women’s libido for the rest of her life. Scary stuff.

Health problems like depression, medical issues, or surgery.

While going through something where the body is compromised and/ or medication must be taken, understandably sex is not even on that person’s radar.

This list is probably only the tip of the iceberg. The point I am trying to make is every couple faces hard life issues. Couples who did not receive the Marriage Manual as a wedding gift flounder, feel helpless and naturally want to give their situation a diagnosis.

The libido diagnosis is easy and convenient. Proactively dealing with the hard life issues is difficult. So many couples take the easy route and put their focus on the bedroom dilemmas instead of the real, deeper issues. Yet when a couple deals with the tough situations head on, they form a stronger bond which will translate to more intimacy. More intimacy equals more sex. Libido is no longer the issue.

Perhaps in your relationship one partner really does have an uber-high libido or absolutely zilch. Chances are though that a mismatched libido is no more than a disparity in your relationship that needs to be worked through.

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This article was published on Thursday 21 December, 2006.