Numerous people have emailed to ask how they can communicate better around their sexual encounters. In my humble opinion, teaching these people nuclear physics would be an easier request.

Why? It is pretty much impossible for most people to look their partner in the eye and talk sex. Imagine casually saying to your partner over supper, “It would be fun to mutually masturbate each other during sex tonight.” Or, “I think our sex is getting a bit stale. Why don’t we go to an adult store and buy some sex toys?” Or perhaps, “Honey, I’ve been faking orgasm for the last 2 years.” I have met people who can communicate like this… and they live in California.

We’ve been taught since birth that speaking about sex is taboo. Suddenly, we are grown up and our sex is not what the romance novels promised. Surprise! We want to say something to our partner but do not know where to begin.

Finally at our wits’ end, we blindly delve into a conversation. Sometimes the words come out in a garbled squeak and then we feel terrible for saying something. Most of the time, the words get caught in our throat and we end up saying nothing. No matter what, after the conversation, we usually feel stupid and inadequate.

The root of all of our suffering comes from a fear of being rejected.

Men are raised to believe that they should instinctively know how to please a woman. Discussing sex would make him less of a man and, by saying something, he will be rejected as a poor lover.

Women do not want to create a conflict by expressing their dislikes and feel that speaking her needs will cause her lover to reject and leave her. Plus, women are taught that good girls who want to grow up, get married and have a family don’t speak of sex.

Many people reading intellectually can say that they do not subscribe to these beliefs and, yet, these social ideals are plastered like wallpaper everywhere.

What ends up happening is that communication around sex never comes out as communication around sex. Instead the tension of being unable to express true feelings is pushed down, eventually bubbling up in other areas of life. It becomes the proverbial fight over the toothpaste cap.

Here are some ideas to get you on the proactive road to better sex communication.

Know Your Sex Hot Buttons

When your significant other starts to push your hot buttons, your ability to have a constructive conversation goes south. Start to make a mental check-list of what sexual issues set you off—e.g., differing libidos, or your partner wanting to try something different, reading girly magazines.

Then consciously note during a discussion if and when you start to get defensive. This is a good time to keep your mouth clamped shut because no good can come from an emotional or defensive rebuttal. Rather, take a time out. During your time out, come to terms with why this conversation pushed your buttons. Go back to the conversation after you have cooled down and do your best to resolve the issue.

Avoiding or not resolving the issue will only make things simmer to a boiling point, only to rehash all this uncomfortable stuff one more time.

Sex is a Team Effort

Tense conversations tend to become a you-versus-me. When hurt we only take into consideration our own feelings, needs and desires. We hardly, if ever, think about how the other person must feel.

It takes two people to create a sexual problem. If you are unhappy, chances are so is your partner—even though they might not look or act it. Take the high road and understand their spin on the situation. This way, you can work towards a solution more quickly.

Not a Mind Reader

Two words for great sex: be specific. Most of us walk around with unspoken expectations of how we feel sex should be. Because it seems like no-brainer stuff, we assume our partner must feel the same way.

For goodness’ sakes, have some compassion for your partner. For them, trying to understand your unspoken sexual expectations is like trying to get around an unknown city without a map.

Watch your “you never”, “you always”, “not enough” and “too much” phrasing. What does it mean when you say, “You do not touch me enough?” Or, “We always do the same things in bed?” Be specific with your words, with your touch or with excerpts from a book when showing your partner what you want. Always give positive feedback when they succeed.

Yep, communication around sex is tricky. The best place to start is being brave enough to say something—anything—to your partner. And always remember: good communication, like good sex, only comes with a lot of practice.

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This article was published on Wednesday 10 January, 2007.