Who Should I Choose? My Lovelife Or My Family?

I'm sure this is a difficult choice for you and I think that even if you're satisfied with any answer you may receive here, you may want to consider counseling if you haven't already.

That being said, the first thing you should know (and likely something your wonderful partner has let you know) is that a history of childhood abuse is not a life sentence of unhappiness or feeling unfulfilled.

I understand your need to work things out with your father and how you can't give yourself to both situations simultaneously. Essentially what you are doing is trying to see which carries more weight and should be important to you to – on one side of the balance you have your need to try to give your father another chance and see if you finally feel the happiness you craved over those years. On the other side of the balance you have the need to see how your storybook romance develops with your partner. But to put it in different terms, you're trying to decide which is a better decision: a woman who you feel is your soul mate and who sounds like what billions of people hope to find in a relationship vs. a man who was so venomous and deliberately destructive to you that you still feel the pain. It doesn't sound like a difficult decision when you put it in those terms.

I know it's probably not that easy. Most of us have a need to put up with and forgive nearly any behavior from our relatives “just because they're family.”

I don't buy that. There is a huge difference between someone being related to you and someone being part of your family. Don't get them confused.

“Being family” is largely a behavior, not a matter of genetics. Ask anyone who was adopted who their family is. Is it the ones they share genes with or was it the ones they shared love with? The answer is obvious. This man was never your family; he just happens to have donated half of your genetic package, which was not something you could choose nor anything you can change now.

We don't surround ourselves with poisonous people because we realize they're not good for us. I would venture to say that you don't have any friends that are abusive, callous, and/or malicious. Why? It's because nobody likes those kinds of people and we're smart enough not to put ourselves in that situation and “reward” their behavior by continuing to be a part of their lives. So you don't owe it to your father to try to work it out with him just for the sake of doing what you might think is the right thing or what you saw in a movie once.

Now let's talk about forgiveness. Contrary to popular opinion, forgiveness is not necessary to move on, feel better about yourself as a person, or transform your life. I know this is at odds with not only numerous helping professionals, but also many philosophical, spiritual, and especially religious beliefs. However, I disagree with the idea that forgiveness is the first (or only) step needed to heal.

Forgiveness is a wonderful and powerful act in many situations, but not all. I can't think of a reason to blindly and automatically absolve someone for things that are completely their responsibility. Your father actually told you that he enjoyed abusing you; it was certainly no anomaly.

It's not only ok to be angry, but necessary in this kind of situation. You have every right to be upset about this. When people give that cliché “Get in touch with your feelings” what they mean is that you have to be honest with yourself and what your feelings are so you can deal with them. After all, if you don't know what you're feeling, how are you supposed to do anything at all? It's like trying to get directions when you don't know where you are or name your favorite wine when you've never tasted a drop. If you just metaphorically wave a hand at the whole situation simply in order to forgive, all you are doing is denying to yourself that your feelings exist and that you need to deal with them: “I forgave you so now it never happened and I don't have to worry about it anymore.” It doesn't work that way.

Don't think that you'll live the rest of your life with bitterness and hate if you don't rush to your father and forgive him. I assure you that mental and emotional harmony comes when you release yourself from the need to “make things right”, work through your feelings, and put responsibility where it belongs: on his shoulders.

So, for me, your choice is clear. Continue to enjoy and grow in your current relationship. She sounds like a great woman. And to correct your statement, you do deserve her. You just don't feel that way because you were a victim of mental abuse and belittlement for so many years that you can't see it. Luckily for you, she does see it.

If you feel so strongly about her and she feels just as strongly about you, promise me that you'll take her hand, run towards your future, and don't look back.