I just found out that my girlfriend of three years was a lot more sexually experimental before we met than I'd originally thought. We're both nearing 30 and I've been thinking that she was "the one" but now I'm not so sure. She did all these sex things in college that I would never have expected her to have done, particularly with this one guy. I'm pissed! I told her I needed some time away to think. What do I do? I'm thinking I should end our relationship.
- Will T., Austin, TX
If you were thinking she was "the one" before you found this out, get back with her immediately. Immediately. All that stuff that happened came before she even knew you were on Earth. I could try to explain this more myself, but it would likely fall short of the story Silent Bob tells Holden in the movie Chasing Amy.
Silent Bob: So there's me and Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in and I ask about the ex-boyfriend, which, as we all know, is a really dumb move, but you know how it is - you don't want to know, but you just have to know, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So anyway she starts telling me about him - how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them. Menage-a-trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I'm not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic, for God's sakes...So I'm totally weirded out by this, right, and just start blasting her. Like I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling so I figure the best way is by calling her "slut," right? Telling her she was used. I'm out for blood; I really want to hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem," right? And she's just all calmly trying to tell me like it was that time, it was that place, and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye - I tell her it's over. I walk.
Jay: Fuckin'-A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her; I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that. Know what I'm saying? But what I did not get: she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me – for the Bob. But by the time I figured this all out, it was too late, man. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl; I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...so to speak.
We all have a past, Will. It matters what people do after they meet you, not before.
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This article was published on Saturday 16 October, 2010.