How Can I Tell My Boyfriend That Going Down On Him Is Degrading?

I am not sure I agree with you that there are any legal, non-exploitative sexual acts that are, by themselves, perverse or degrading. The reason people see certain things as perverse or degrading is because they're running it through their own personal set of moral filters. We all have our lines that we choose not to cross, whether it's because of a deeply-rooted belief, a lack of interest in a certain activity, or something in-between the two. So, the tendency is for us to say that anything on the other side of our personal line is perverse, degrading, or "wrong" in some other sense.

I see your email as two concepts which, though related, can be separated into:

The first issue comes down to intent. Intent is the evidence we use to set in motion our moral evaluation and eventual judgment of acts between people. For example, someone who accidentally spills a cup of water in your lap is not held to the same moral standards as someone who deliberately comes up to you, looks you right in the eye, and dumps that same cup of water on your lap. Though the end result is the same, the intent is totally different. This is plainly recognized.

Oral sex, anal sex, vaginal sex, intercrural sex (sex between your partner's legs), and even kissing can be made to be degrading. If the intent was to degrade and not part of the agreement between the partners, then it certainly accomplishes becomes something that is a demeaning act. The second issue listed above can best be looked at like this:

Scenario 1) A man who loves to be sensitively touched and told how much he is adored during a love-making session would generally not be considered perverse or to be engaging in a degrading act. It's easy to see that what he's saying is, "I'm a unique being with my own desires and wishes. Here they are. I trust you with them and I would like you to honor them and treat me as a person."

Scenario 2) Two people who are in a hot, lusty moment and can't wait to get in the door to tear each other's clothes off are each also saying, "I'm a unique being with my own desires and wishes. Here they are. I trust you with them and I would like you to honor them and treat me as a person." It's a different set of circumstances, but the flag they are each flying says the same as the man I previously mentioned.

Scenario 3) A man who likes to have another person urinate in his mouth is also saying, "I'm a unique being with my own desires and wishes. Here they are. I trust you with them and I would like you to honor them and treat me as a person." Besides the act itself, there is no difference in this example, either. All three scenarios recognize desire and fulfillment of that desire.

Scenario 4) Recombining your email's two ideas, a man who likes to be told how worthless he is, be spat upon, be verbally accosted for hours, and never allowed to orgasm during the session is also saying, "I'm a unique being with my own desires and wishes. Here they are. I trust you with them and I would like you to honor them and treat me as a person." This one seems a little contradictory at first, but by requesting degradation and having it performed, his sexuality is honored and respected per his lover carrying out his request.

With all four examples, it is important to observe and understand that there is no line that can be drawn at any point in the continuum where we can say, "Ok, here is where it becomes perverse." Since that distinction can not be made, we realize that all sex acts, no matter what the acts might be, are created equal in the sense that they are fulfilling and validating to those that engage in them, and that is all that ultimately matters.

It might not be your thing, Gloria, but that certainly doesn't make it perverse or "wrong" for someone to do.