My new girlfriend is a trip. She's got this crazy idea that she wants to tie me up and take complete control of me during sex. I can't give up that kind of power during sex, but don't want to tell her that there's no way in hell she's doing that to me. How can I explain it to her so she doesn't cut me off to get even with me?
Bummed in Cali
Well, I would hope that you're not dating someone who would hold out on you if you don't do exactly what she wants you to do. Revenge isn't the best way to handle being let down, and I hope she knows that.
But let me make one thing clear about being tied up, being held down, or anything of the kind. Top and bottom interactions might not be exactly what you think they are. If she wants to take control in a sexual encounter, you aren't giving up power. One amazing thing about these kinds of situations is that it's rarely clear who is in control. Both people feel fulfilled, acknowledged, and powerful when it's done right. The top uses control and enthusiasm - and shows with that zeal - the worth and appeal of the bottom. The bottom? They use their relinquishment of power to affirm the overwhelming sexual powers of the top. Both feel powerful.
Control isn't the responsibility of either - nor is it unique to - either. The control and vigor are created by the connection between them.
Sounds good, right? Give it a shot!
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This article was published on Thursday 12 August, 2010.
