What Are The Worst Celebrity Sex Tape?

I’m not sure what you’re into, but the best features Croatian star Severina Vuckovic. She’s attractive, into the sex, and the angles aren’t too bad. Plus, before the tape, she was in the spotlight for monogamy, abstinence, etc. and come to find out the guy on the tape with her was married. Now she’s a sex bomb with an even more successful career in Croatia. Voila. The worst 3 celebrity sex tapes from bad to worst, you ask?

Honorable mention: Tom Sizemore's meltdown/sex tape. Maybe that honorable mention is just a copout; I'm not sure I could capture in words the psychological horror-fest that one is.

One Night in Paris – Paris Hilton and then-boyfriend Rick Salomon

It’s truly mind-blowing that this tape was so popular. If you have ever wanted to see something truly narcissistic in alien-night vision, this is the tape for you. Her poor boyfriend Rick was so distracted by the fact that he was sleeping with Paris Hilton that he didn’t notice how much of a cold, dead fish she was. And did I mention selfish and fake? This is the kind of sex people have because they heard it was cool to have sex. It’s hard to say what the three worst parts of the film are, but let me give it a shot:

- Rick talking dirty to Paris when he might as well be speaking in an archaic Russian dialect. “You like that, baby?” “…something something something big dick…blah blah blah.” Guess what, dude. She ain’t listening. She never was.

- Her pushing him out of frame so she could get a better view of herself. That takes selfish guts, but it’s not as selfishly gutsy as…

- Her going to answer her cell phone in the middle of sex. Is there anything that says “I really don’t care if we’re having sex” more than answering a telephone call in the middle of it? Maybe going to clip some coupons for the grocery store or something.

And if you’re going to film a tape, turn some lights on! That night vision creeps people out. Someone needs to give her The Clapper…wait, nevermind.

One Night in China – Former wrestler Chyna and love interest X-Pac.

They should play this video in anti-steroid campaigns. X-Pac looks like someone injected him with 30 pounds of saline solution and China…oh, China. Everyone knows that women don’t get that muscular or that jaw line without a little testosterone boost. What most people don’t get to see everyday, though, is a clitoris that has turned into a 1 1/2” long (pierced) penis from the same injections. Add ass acne with huge boobs on muscular pecs and you’ve got yourself a real winner here.

Screeched – Dustin Diamond and Two Unnamed Nasties Screeched is truly one of the dumbest, most ridiculous celebrity tapes there will ever be. First of all, it’s way too long – I’m talking about the film here, not his dick. Nobody wants to hear Screech talk about anything (like how he likes cheese and crackers) because he was not relevant when he was on TV, let alone now. His “jokes” and general sense of humor sincerely miss the laugh track that Saved by the Bell provided. When he makes the point to put the Magnum condom in front of the camera, you can’t find your remote fast enough. Also, it’s always bothered me when someone is so proud of their cock that they call it names like “Monster.” Shut up. Just shut up. It really isn’t that amazing, pal.

And the women! Oy! Have you ever wondered what the girls working in strip clubs alongside an interstate in South Dakota might look like having sex? Now’s your chance to find out! It’s particularly disturbing when one of them dons a veil and Diamond hums “Here Comes the Bride” during a blow job. You know someone’s husband is Dante’s Seventh Circle of Hell nowadays.

One can only hope that Zack and Slater are pulling better tail than this.