What's A Good Way To Break Up With A Girl?

If you frequent this site, you know that we don’t generally promote dishonesty or tricks, but I’ve been in your situation before and can empathize. I’ll tell you what two things I’ve found to work.

Give her what she wants times a hundred. Be as bizarre as you can be. When I’ve run into a situation with a female I couldn’t get rid of, I’ve had to pull out all the stops. I got to the point where I didn’t care what they thought of me anyway. I just wanted them to go the hell away, so why not seem obsessive and nuts? The trick is that when they won’t let you leave them, you have to make them leave you.

I’ve called girls literally 20 times a day “just to say hi.” I’ve told girls that I’ve recently decided I was gay just so they’d stop calling me. Hell, I’ve told girls they’ve made me gay! I’ve told short girls I only date tall girls and tall girls I only date short girls. I’ve told girls that I drove to their house the night before and just stared at their window, wondering what they were doing in there. It was all lies and overdoing it, but whatever. It worked.

I remember one particular girl who was 100% about finding herself a husband. Immediately. She took a liking to me and I couldn’t get rid of her, so I had to take action. We met for dinner where I announced that I would eat the entire meal with a knife and a knife only. As I brought up an extremely deep, convincing argument how “The People’s Court” was the best show ever on television and how Judge Wapner was the head of an underground Mason’s association, I could feel her starting to distance herself. Once I was trying to balance salad on my knife (which I held intertwined with my fingers), she was starting to push her chair back. Then she did something to counteract my ridiculous behavior: she ordered wine! Oh no! Now she was extremely tolerant of anything I did! I broke out the big guns. I told her I only dated celebrities and heiresses. No effect. I told her that I was in line to inherit a lot of money if only I could find a lawyer to battle the Mormon Church because they were capitalizing on the fact that my great, great grandfather invented vodka. No effect. I told her I thought marriage was an archaic idea and no woman could ever satisfy me long enough for something like that. No effect! I told her I thought God was about as reasonable of an idea as astrology, tarot cards, and Deep South Voodoo. No effect! I told her that I suspected Elvis, John Lennon, JFK, MLK Jr., and Jimi Hendrix were all shot by the same man. Never mind the fact that Elvis and Hendrix weren’t even assassinated – I still got no result. Finally, I told her that I didn’t really like dogs. I said that pets, especially those that ate their own shit, were for the old and lonely.

Ding ding ding! Winner, winner, chicken dinner! She never called again. Everyone likes attention, but nobody likes being smothered. Everybody likes feeling special, but nobody likes when someone likes them too much, too soon. Everybody appreciates when someone has a passion about something, but it’s creepy when someone is obsessed with something. Get the idea?

You might think this is a risky strategy, and you’re right. It may backfire and she might eat every bit of it up and now you’re in 100 times the amount of trouble and drama you were in before. But hey, you’ve already tried telling her the truth so the next step is a restraining order anyway, so maybe you’re doing her a favor. Desperate times, my friend.