Create a Positive Sexual Attitude

“Sex is not something we do, it is something we are.” Mary Calderone

We have all experienced (at least I hope) the head-stuck-up-the-butt newby phase of a relationship. When the world is just a little more sparkly, you can talk forever to your beloved about any topic, and the sex—well, the amazingness of the sex goes without saying.

An interesting truism for this ends-much-too-quickly period is: whatever you focus on will become the results you get in your life. And also, if you refuse to accept anything but the very best, you often get it.

It really is a no-brainer why couples have such a great experience in the first year of their relationship. Both are putting their best foot forward as it is all about making the “love sale”. Plus, they treat their partner and the relationship as if they were the most precious commodity that ever crossed their path.

Therefore, it is incredibly easy for head-stuck-up-the-butt couples to be in a euphoric state, overloaded with positive sexual energy. Both only see what is right about their partner and have unlimited hope for the future.

The million-dollar question is: how does this magnetic couple go from fab to frump all in one year? Somewhere along the way, the couple stopped looking at their relationship as “what it could be” and started looking backwards at what they created.

Typically, because there has not been enough communication,—mixed in with a smattering of low self-esteem issues and no how-to sex manual in sight— their sex can culminate into something pretty bleak over time. They are at a loss to see how things can ever be good again.

I am sorry to say they are right. When couples focus only on what is wrong in their bedroom, the entire relationship then manifests the reality they see being played out within their bedroom.

Instead of describing the amazing person they met at the start of their relationship, the couple will go on about: “My partner does not want sex as much as I do.” Or, ”My partner does not give me enough pleasure.” Or, “My partner is not willing to try new things.” And, “My partner is scared to bring toys into our love making.” Finally, “I cannot tell my partner what I want sexually because they will freak out.”

After listening to their sexual unhappiness, I ask, “What do you want to happen?” Some sputtering and a blank deer-in-the-headlights stare later, they say, “Well I want my partner to change!”

“Hmm,” I cautiously reply, trying hard to keep the weariness out of my voice and eyes, thinking this is a classic case of them incorrectly diagnosing the problem and in turn pursuing an inappropriate solution. I would bet if one partner did change to other’s satisfaction, a new complaint would just as quickly rear its ugly head.

I then mention, in observing a sexually copasetic couple, one characteristic that stands out is that they always see their partner and relationship in a positive manner. It does not mean they never experience knock-down fights or daily frustrations. Of course they do. The difference is, instead of poking a sharp stick at their partner’s soft spots, they keep their focus on how their relationship is working well.

To turn their disheartening sexual situation around, couples needs to take their focus off of what is not working and refocus on what is working. They need to start pondering, “What can our sex life eventually become?”

Having a PSA (Positive Sexual Attitude) is a fundamental relationship skill that can transcend and transition a couple through any negative sexual experience. Having a PSA is simply focusing on what is going right in the bedroom. What are you grateful for? What are you going to do to enhance the already good things? PSA works because it is proactive rather than reactive.

With this in mind, in twenty words or less, describe the present state of your sexuality. Does your description give you a warm and fuzzy glow or, conversely, do you start to tense up?

If negative, what would it take for you to turn your focus and see your sexual situation as “a cup half-full”? Is it possible for you to imagine all the amazing things that would happen to your relationship after you mastered a PSA?

The great news is that having a PSA is not difficult. When you are moving from a messy bed (please forgive the pun) to a healthy state, it is as simple as saying the “PSA mantra” over and over again: “This is not how I want my sex life to be and yet the future of my sex life looks like this.” And go on to describe what you believe is possible.

If you refuse to accept only the sexual best for you and your partner—and keep your focus—you just might get it.

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This article was published on Tuesday 11 December, 2007.