How Many Oysters Do We Need To Seal The Deal?

If you need to choke down 20 slimy sea creatures to see one clam (if you know what I mean), you're in trouble. Big trouble. How about trying, oh, I don't know...being fun and making her laugh? That's a lot cheaper and more effective.

There are only a four aphrodisiacs: money, power, fame, and hot tubs. If you don't believe me, tune in to any season of The Real World. There really isn't such a thing as an aphrodisiac as we hear it used every day. Oysters, ginseng, and Spanish Fly are probably the most famous, but even those are bogus.

Oysters contain zinc and if you're low in zinc, your testosterone levels will be affected, but zinc itself doesn't make you want to have sex. So that's basically like saying that popping a Centrum will make you into a couple of sex machines.

Ginseng root looks largely phallic and is a stimulant, which some people misperceive as a sexual exciter. So, by that rationale, coffee and green tea will make you Wilt Chamberlain. If ginseng didn't look like a vege-dick, it probably wouldn't be associated with sex at all.

And Spanish Fly...oh, Spanish Fly. This one really blows my mind. Spanish Fly is actually a chemical called cantharidin that comes from a shiny, green beetle. Sexy. It has enjoyed many nonsensical uses in its long history: aborting agent, toxin remover, and aphrodisiac, to name a few. Still sexy. Unfortunately, all of those uses are fabrications and legend. Want to know what it works great for? A blistering agent. Applying it to a wart or other large skin growth and watching it form a blister so solid and deep that the growth is removed...it's amazing for that. Putting that same substance down your throat? That's your call, but you'll need some serious lozenges if you do it.

Scallops, sarsaparilla, and not even sassafras will not get you laid. Unless you eat them in that hot tub.