How Can I Get More Action?

How about I just tell you what not to do and you can figure it out from there? I've heard of or seen a lot of this and I have to give it up to these guys for being this ridiculous and thinking it's going to work for them.

1. Don't brag. You might think that genetics make a woman look for a "provider" somewhere deep down. Maybe, but it doesn't really work like that. If you have money, have brains, dated a model, or can throw a football 80 yards, heed my advice here: Shut up. Really. Shut up. If you start in on how your new BMW doesn't handle as well as your new Mercedes, guess who is going home alone? That's right, Andretti. You. This is especially stupid to do on a first date. You don't need to sell yourself; if you are whatever you are, it'll all come out naturally, eventually. Remember: Shhhh.
2. Don't fall into the compliment trap. Everyone likes compliments, but nobody worth a damn likes an ass-kisser. Again, this hurts you the most on a first date. Passing out compliments like you're making a dollar for each one you say will get you nowhere. And when you eventually give a compliment, don't tell her something she already knows. "You have the most mesmerizing eyes" sounds as genuine as that Nike hat you bought in Tijuana.
3. Don't own a purse dog. I'm not even big on enforcing stereotypes about "men being men" but if your dog would be seriously harmed or killed in a mousetrap, it's time to get yourself a manlier dog, stud.
4. Don't wear your stupid sexual innuendo or double entendre T-shirts anywhere you might care to see someone you might want to sleep with. It's pretty damn rare for a woman to utter, "I met the cutest guy in a 'Haywood Jablome' shirt. I can't wait to sleep with him and get to know how original and mature he is." Wear that shirt to your fantasy football draft and talk shit to your buddies and that's it. Have some sexual maturity, dammit!
5. Don't look like you just woke up, unless you just woke up. Go for the Peace Corps look once you actually get overseas. Fixer-uppers can be great investments for houses, but not for people. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Which leads to...
6. Don't have a hair problem. Have you ever met a woman who says, "God, a hairy back really turns me on"? No? Me neither. Same with unibrows, hairy asses, crotches, and nipples. A little hair makes you a man. A lot of hair makes you a monkey. Women don't like monkeys.
7. Don't be boring. If you have nothing that you're passionate about outside of your new haircut, you're in trouble. Big trouble. It doesn't really even matter if you have bad taste if you're passionate about it. But make sure you don't drone on and on about it.
8. Don't have gross feet. Seriously. I know they're far from your head, but take care of them.
9. Don't pop your collar. I believe that joke has run its course. Put it down, champ.
10. Don't randomly ask for head or to "see her tits." You have to be out of your damn mind to just bring this up out of nowhere.
11. Don't live with your parents. If you have to live off bologna and cereal and work two jobs, do it. You do realize that women eventually have to tell their friends and family about you, right?
12. Don't be desperate. Desperate smells stronger than your cologne. Everyone has dry spells, but unless two dry spells just happen to cross paths at a certain moment in time, you're going to stay on it, buddy.
13. Don't overuse LOL. Online dating a perfectly normal way of meeting people nowadays, but let's pull it back a little bit with this. How about only using this when you're actually laughing out loud? What a novel idea. And if you're doing something like LMFAOROTFL, you need to take a computer break.
14. Don't use any pick up line you've ever heard. Do I even need to explain why?
15. Don't be tougher than you are. Girls aren't always attracted to the alpha male, so you don't have to act like a bad ass. Chances are, you're just looking like a giant asshole lunatic that she's not going to want to be around.
16. Don't combine the words "you" and "my ex-girlfriend" in the same sentence.
17. Don't be a cell phone psycho. If you leave a message and she wants to call you back, she'll call you back. You calling 3, 5, 10 times just screams, "Don't call me back, ever!" You go from "He's perhaps interesting" to "Oh shit, it's him again." This is one of the most sure-fire kisses of death on this list.
18. Don't ask, "May I kiss you?" It's often tough to know for sure if she wants to be kissing you, but that's just part of the game. Respect is important, but if she wanted you to ask permission before you make every move, she'd have already written you a schedule.
19. Don't ask, "Was it good for you?" Come on, Romeo. You couldn't tell whether it was or not? You were there. Do you go to a movie with your friends and walk out and say, "How was that movie?" If you're a good communicator and actually care about your partner during the act, you don't need to ask something to verify your manliness.
20. Don't ask, "Did you come?" What did you think was going on with her? If you suspected a seizure, you should be on the phone with the hospital, not grilling her and forcing her into an awkward spot. I think that's a good start.